Thoughts on Rumi's "Who Makes These Changes?"

Originally written in January 2018

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An interesting occurrence took place this evening, while reading some work by Rumi, the 13th century poet, scholar, Sufi mystic. There was a passage that spoke a little too clearly to me, crystallizing something I've known for years.

The past few days, I have had -- not an urge, nor a craving -- a notion that I could have a drink. It is said that every 7 years we are wholly, cellularly differently people. Combine this anecdotal trivia with the rise of craft beer and craft cocktail culture, throw in the fact that I haven't been to a meeting in almost 2 years, and I begin to think to myself "you're a different person, down to the cellular level, than you were when you quit; surely you can drink again, and be okay!"

Regardless of one's opinion of Alcoholics Anonymous, the anecdotal evidence presents the case that a substance abuser will return to being a substance abuser, if they become complacent in their abstinence, and drink or use again. I, personally, have known people who have died from going back to "the old way of living," after being a shown a "new way of life." Please note: I will never disparage Alcoholics Anonymous or the recovery community; I  truly believe with every fiber of my being that I would be dead without it. These words and quotations are not meant at mockery!

Many people are put off by the recovery community's focus on the spiritual, so they find the idea of the 12 Steps incredible, in the literal sense; they cannot conceive the thought that the Steps might be credible. In one set of three of the Steps, those in recovery work to identify, admit, and remove "defects of character." We are taught that it is these character defects which will lead the alcoholic of addict to "jails, institutions, or death," if they are allowed to run rampant. Through meditation, prayer, and the selfless work of helping others in need, we slowly diminish these defects and replace them with assets, thus ensuring our continued recovery and abstinence, and, theoretically, prolonging our life.

In Rumi's work, there is a concept or idea called the pickax. The pickax is anything which allows us a clearer picture of our true selves; the translator and Rumi scholar Coleman Barks identifies the pickax as any number of things: a good teacher, self-reflection, simple strength, etc. In this case, Steps 4, 5, and 6 in the AA canon become the pickax, and the defects of character are the true self we must learn to work around.

Now, when I drank, I could have been killed on a number of occasions, and I wanted to die a majority of the time. This is not hyperbole, I literally thought about my death, and contemplated suicide often. The desire to drink and the desire to die fueled each other, so for my thoughts to return to "dude, you could have a drink," is a game of Russian roulette that I'm not willing to play.

Enter Rumi.

In Rumi's poem "Who Makes These Changes?" Rumi writes: "I plot to get what I want/and end up in prison/I dig pits to trap others/and fall in/I should be suspicious/of what I want."

Who places me in danger? Who threatens my quality of life? No one does so more often than my true self. Words of a poet, written 800 years ago, and I was struck.

I need to be able to better serve others -- my family, my friends, my colleagues -- and better protect the quality of life for my children, my wife, and myself. In order to do so, I must do better at being wary of desire and transient thoughts, like ones that entice me back to old habits.

Thanks, Rumi!